Our beloved Mitsubishi Mirage
Well, guess what, AutoGuide? We read your reasons. We heard your point of view. And now we’re going to tell you why it’s wrong.
Jesse Eisenberg in ‘Zombieland’
1) You criticized the Mirage’s horsepower. We admit that 74 horsepower and 74 pounds of front end torque doesn’t sound like a lot, but let us put it into perspective for you. The curb weight of an automatic Mirage is 2,053 lbs. If you load that up with you and 4 of your friends (more if you get a little creative), a few boxes of supplies, and a bunch of crossbows to kill errant zombies, you might be able to max out the gross vehicle weight rate of 3,020 lbs. That’s super light. We will have plenty of power to outrun zombies simply because we won’t need very much. A manual Mirage is even lighter and is noticeably more zippy and first. But don’t knock the CVT just yet because…
2) The automatic CVT (Continuously Variable Transmission), unlike traditional transmissions, has an infinite series of gears. The Mitsubishi CVT uses a microchip called the INVECS-III that monitors the driving style of the driver and caters the shift points of the CVT to his/her driving style. An aggressive driver–for instance, someone fleeing from an immediate zombie threat–will find that the CVT uses more of the low-end band of the CVT for more front end torque…or more ‘oomph’. However, someone simply trying to make it back to what’s left of civilization after the zombies have been annihilated will use more of the high-end band and get even better gas mileage.
3) Speaking of gas mileage, the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage is the greenest fully gas-powered vehicle in the United States. That means it gets better gas mileage than any other non-hybrid car out there. Do you really think there are going to be loads of gas stations open and ready to pump gas for your gas-guzzling hot rod, AutoGuide? No. However, on just 9.2 gallons of fuel, the Mirage can go 405 miles on average. Recently, during the Mitsubishi Motors’ Extreme MPG Hypermiling Challenge, a driver from About.com was able to get 74.1 MPG on his trip from Las Vegas to Cypress, CA with only one modification–duct tape over some of the gaps in the front fascia sheet metal as a way to reduce aerodynamic drag. That’s nearly 700 miles on just one tank. So, while everyone else is stranded on a lonely highway in the desert with the undead closing in, we will be well on our way to the coast.
4) And, given that the Mirage is so inexpensive (starting at just $12,995), we’ll still have money left over for a sweet yacht when we get there. Plus, the Mirage is so light, we might as well drive it aboard so that we can drive it back home once this hullabaloo is done and we’ve survived.
5) We will survive, AutoGuide, because in addition to everything we just listed, the Mirage may be small, but it has plenty of ground clearance to get through debris with the nimbleness and stature to successfully navigate zombie hordes without a collision. And if we do hit a snag, the Mirage’s 7 airbag safety system, including one for the driver’s knees, will make sure we survive a zombie-fueled turnover uninjured.
So, knock us all you want, AutoGuide, but just like we did with the people who said Mitsubishi wouldn’t survive in the American market for another year, we will prove you wrong. Heck, we might even stop to give you a ride.