Have you just never been able to figure how to pair your Bluetooth to your new car? Or have you always wondered what Captain Morgan is like when his blood sugar is low? Check out our video and find out both!
by Captain Morgan Evans
Old Barney Whitesnake and his magic midget, Chef, came roaring down the hill in their Mitsubishi Outlander Sport.
Barney had picked up the new ride because his truck was getting old and rusty and the gas mileage was killing his wallet. Barney also hated gas attendants. He blamed losing scratch tickets and overpriced chocolate on gas attendants as well as the rising cost of petrol itself! Gas attendants… they were the modern day mafia in Barney’s mind.
The 2014 Mitsubishi Outlander Sport
The Outlander Sport with its slick 2.0 liter 4-cylinder MIVEC engine averaged 29 MPG on the highway and saved him about $1,500 in gas savings a year over comparable models. $1,500 buys a lot of nacho cheese dip, and nacho cheese dip made Barney happy. Really happy.
“Are we almost there, BW?” It was Chef, barking from the backseat.
Barney glanced in the rearview mirror. His friend the magic midget seemed especially small in the expansive backseat of the Outlander Sport. With leg, hip, and shoulder room of 36.3”, 51.6”, and 55.7” accordingly, there was plenty of room for three adults. His four-foot three friend was swimming in the expanse!
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Barney smiled. “We’ll be there shortly!” Barney’s curly salt-n-pepper beard dipped below the steering wheel but his fattened fingers still caught the frays of it. He fingered the Blue Tooth button on the left side of the steering wheel. “Call Momma Jean,” he said. The onboard computer connected with his cell phone and dialed the number labeled “Momma Jean.”
The stereo muted and the ringing of the connection came through the speakers. “Hello?” said a young female voice.
“Momma Jean? It’s Barney. We’re running late… ‘bout a half hour away.”
“Oh Barney I’m glad you called,” said the female voice through the speakers. “The driveway is washed-out due to snow. You might park at the base and walk up.”
Barney snorted. The adaptive All-Wheel-Drive and All-Wheel-Drive Lock options on the Outlander Sport would handle her driveway. One push of the black button just below the shift knob and Barney and Chef wouldn’t miss a beat getting up to Momma Jean’s place. “No worries,” he said. “See ya soon!”
There are certain things in life that you just can’t miss because Mother Nature wants to throw a curve ball or two your way, and one of them was the coming home of old Barney Whitesnake’s first grandchild, Puffer Mulligan. Barney knew that he would be doing quite a bit of babysitting as soon as Puffer grew a bit, and Barney was mighty happy with that idea. He would show his grandchild the Rocky Mountains and Downtown Denver. He’d run him up to Red Rocks, and maybe down to Colorado Springs as well. And he would take all of these trips in his Outlander Sport because it was a Top Safety Pick Plus for the Insurance Institute of Highway Safety for 3 years running now, and that’s safe enough for old Barney’s first grandchild.
Barney left the main avenue to start the climb up Momma Jean’s long driveway. She had been right: it was caked with a slush-mush of snow and dirt. He switched from the front-wheel drive mode that maximized his gas mileage into the All-Wheel Drive mode to begin the steady climb up to the house. His fat fingers clicked at the magnesium paddle shifters on the steering column allowing him to switch into a manual mode and downshift for more front-end torque. The Mitsubishi scaled the small hill effortlessly while Chef smiled from the backseat. “Can’t wait to see the new kiddo!” the magic midget said.
“Be there in sixty seconds, Chef!” Barney smiled back.
And that is how Old Barney Whitesnake’s day began.
by Alice D'artagnan and Captain Morgan Evans
Okay, AutoGuide. We saw the title of your article ‘Top 10 Worst Vehicles to Drive in a Zombie Apocalypse’. We got excited to read it. We wanted to share it on our facebook page for some fun Friday content. We clicked to the first car and saw…
1) You criticized the Mirage’s horsepower. We admit that 74 horsepower and 74 pounds of front end torque doesn’t sound like a lot, but let us put it into perspective for you. The curb weight of an automatic Mirage is 2,053 lbs. If you load that up with you and 4 of your friends (more if you get a little creative), a few boxes of supplies, and a bunch of crossbows to kill errant zombies, you might be able to max out the gross vehicle weight rate of 3,020 lbs. That’s super light. We will have plenty of power to outrun zombies simply because we won’t need very much. A manual Mirage is even lighter and is noticeably more zippy and first. But don’t knock the CVT just yet because…
2) The automatic CVT (Continuously Variable Transmission), unlike traditional transmissions, has an infinite series of gears. The Mitsubishi CVT uses a microchip called the INVECS-III that monitors the driving style of the driver and caters the shift points of the CVT to his/her driving style. An aggressive driver–for instance, someone fleeing from an immediate zombie threat–will find that the CVT uses more of the low-end band of the CVT for more front end torque…or more ‘oomph’. However, someone simply trying to make it back to what’s left of civilization after the zombies have been annihilated will use more of the high-end band and get even better gas mileage.
3) Speaking of gas mileage, the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage is the greenest fully gas-powered vehicle in the United States. That means it gets better gas mileage than any other non-hybrid car out there. Do you really think there are going to be loads of gas stations open and ready to pump gas for your gas-guzzling hot rod, AutoGuide? No. However, on just 9.2 gallons of fuel, the Mirage can go 405 miles on average. Recently, during the Mitsubishi Motors’ Extreme MPG Hypermiling Challenge, a driver from About.com was able to get 74.1 MPG on his trip from Las Vegas to Cypress, CA with only one modification–duct tape over some of the gaps in the front fascia sheet metal as a way to reduce aerodynamic drag. That’s nearly 700 miles on just one tank. So, while everyone else is stranded on a lonely highway in the desert with the undead closing in, we will be well on our way to the coast.
4) And, given that the Mirage is so inexpensive (starting at just $12,995), we’ll still have money left over for a sweet yacht when we get there. Plus, the Mirage is so light, we might as well drive it aboard so that we can drive it back home once this hullabaloo is done and we’ve survived.
5) We will survive, AutoGuide, because in addition to everything we just listed, the Mirage may be small, but it has plenty of ground clearance to get through debris with the nimbleness and stature to successfully navigate zombie hordes without a collision. And if we do hit a snag, the Mirage’s 7 airbag safety system, including one for the driver’s knees, will make sure we survive a zombie-fueled turnover uninjured.
So, knock us all you want, AutoGuide, but just like we did with the people who said Mitsubishi wouldn’t survive in the American market for another year, we will prove you wrong. Heck, we might even stop to give you a ride.